


Lilith the ex, Lilith the homewrecker.

by skinsuit



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale/Crowley Established relationship, Comedy, Crowley and Lilith have history!, I stole a line from Blackadder II, Lilith LOVES QUEEN it was her idea to make all music QUEEN, Lilith also loves Lady Gaga, Lilith commenders Crowley's phone, Lilith is a whore she's fucked half of hell and a third of heaven and numerous mortals, Lilith is the queen of hell, Loud and Tacky Lilith, Mostly TV good omens, Multi, OH crowley you ass or is asp, Political Humor, Post canon, Rating will go up, Well it fits
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-12 08:58:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19225897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skinsuit/pseuds/skinsuit
Summary: Lilith decides to start her world tour in England, Crowley is not happy about this fact, and  Aziraphale is bemused surely she can't be THAT bad.





	1. Chapter 1

Crowley and Aziraphale were feeding the ducks in St. James Park, it was a year after fauxmageddon. When suddenly the Kinks’ Wicked Annabella started playing from Crowley’s pocket.

“Why is your pocket playing music?” Aziraphale asked.

“I don’t know?!” Crowley shouted. “Besides it’s my phone.”

Crowley grabbed his phone out of his pocket. He glanced at the screen and cursed, then answered it.

“WHAT?!” He yelled. “What the bloody hell do you want?”

“…”

“Pick you up from Heathrow?!”

“….”

“No! I’m not—“ He began then listening he sighed and muttered. “Yes, fine alright, I will, yes , see you soon, Ciao.”

He turned off his phone and groaned loudly.

“Who was that?” Aziraphale asked.

“Oh you know, Adam’s Ex.” Crowley sighed.

“Adam Young? but he’s eleven…” Aziraphale began.

“NO, the ORIGINAL ADAM, “ Crowley sighed.

Aziraphale glanced around and lowering his voice said: “Lilith?”

“Yes, whore too half of hell a third of heaven, and mother of half of hell,” Crowley said. “She’s so obnoxious but I owe her a favor.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Aziraphale asked.

“Yes, would you? I need a buffer.” Crowley said.

“You know, I’ve never met her,” Aziraphale said. “What’s she like?”

“Oh you’ll see…” Crowley sighed miserably.

~~~~~~~ City of Ur about 4300 B.C~~~~~~~

Crowley groaned his head ached so bad, he’d been drinking strong date wine for the last couple of days and hadn’t remembered to sober up before passing out. In fact there was BIG black hole in his memory. He was sitting up in bed, the was naked, in human form, here were gashes on his arms, hickeys on his neck and he felt absolutely raw in the genital area. What had happened? He saw the outline figure with bat wings in the bed and a head of long curly black hair. He’d been drinking date wine with Lilith, and then ….

“OH FUCK!” He cursed.

She stirred in bed, moaning softly.

“Crawley?” She said in hoarse low voice.

He sobered up, he knew they had sex, hoping against she wasn’t… well, up the duff as she almost never used birth control, then he turned into a gnat and left at speed of light.

~~~~~~~~~

“…So you slept with her?” Aziraphale asked in a disgusted tone as the Bentley sped along.

“It was a very long time ago, I was young, she was young, and I was very very drunk,” Crowley said with emphasis. “Besides other than you, she likes EARTH, she spends time up here, she was human originally, after all. Besides I owe her a favor.”

“You don’t have any offspring with her, do you?” Aziraphale asked.

“No! I got lucky there, considering half of hell pays her child support,” Crowley said.

“They have child support in hell?” Aziraphale wondered.

“Oh yes….” Crowley groaned.  
~~~~~  
~~~~~~~

Aziraphale had waited in the car park, leaning against the car, reading copy of Summer Lighting to pass the time. He remembered good old P. G. “Plum” Wodehouse, nice chap, good friend, to bad mortal lives were so brief…  
Then the smell hit him, it smelled like a bathtub full of Chanel No. 5, but something very musky and deeply female underneath like a brothel.* He covered his nose in shock. As Lilith and Crowley rounded the corner. Crowley was loaded down with Louis Vuitton bags, beside him walked Lilith in human form. Her hair was big long black and curly, she had light brown skin, she was heavily made up, smokey kohl ringed eyes, plump lips red, moving as she chewed gum. She wore a tiny shimmery tight blood red sleeveless, cheetah patterned dress, that began at the top of her breasts and ended at the top of her thighs, on her feet were black shiny gladiator heels. Her figure was lush, voluptuous, dangerously curvy and her legs went for miles. Her eyes lit up when she saw Aziraphale.

“Crawley who’s yer friend,?” She said in a loud very American voice with most fried vocals ever.

“It’s Crowely now,” he replied sighing. “That’s Aziraphale—“

She gave Crowley a playful push that nearly toppled him as she squealed: “I KNOOOOOOW!” She extended a hand with long curving lacquered nails, her gold bracelet adorned wrist jingled: “Ooooh! I’ve heard so much about ya angel, You are FAMOUS in heaven and Hell! Gabe won’t stop BITCHING about ya!”

Aziraphale couldn’t place her accent, it was bit New Jersey, a bit Brooklyn, a bit Southern US, with some LA mixed in and of course deep fried vocals.

He hesitantly took her hand, he wasn’t sure whether to shake it or kiss it. “Errmm, nice to meet you?”

He decided to do something half way, raise it halfway and give it a soft and diffident shake.

She gripped him HARD pulled him in close, Aziraphale could hear her give a snort as she sniffed him? And then hugged him tightly. He went stiff didn’t move.

“OH! You smell nice!” She bellowed “I’m so happy CROWLEY has someone now! He sure knows how to use that forked tongue, doesn’t he?”  
She winked.

And released him, Aziraphale reeled “How did you—“

“Oh I can smell him on ya,” She said.

“Lilith please…” Crowley sighed, blushing. “We need to get going.”

“Fine, fine…. Be that way, CRO-wley…” she rolled her eyes.

 

After they had loaded all her luggage in the car, She sat herself in the back seat with a laugh.  
Aizrpahale and Crowley glanced at each other, tiredly.

“So ermm what brings you to England?” Asked Aziraphale.

“Oh well, I’ve been in the STATES so long, it was getting so boring, “She said. “Not to mention annoying as FUCK, what with PRESIDENT TRUMP hitting me up for a booty call so much. Not that I’ve touched him since he started running for office. I decided to come to Jolly Olde England to kick off my world tour!”

“Do you have to shout everything?’ Crowley said through gritted teeth.

“Oy vey, this just my normal voice, what’s yer problem!?” She said.

Crowley looked like he was about to give her an answer, but just ground his teeth and put his foot on the gas.

“Hey is that Queen? Turn it up, MAMA LOVES HER SOME QUEEN!” She squealed.


	2. Chapter 2

Crowley drove her to the luxury hotel she was renting for the staying at, silently he helped with the luggage and silently all three of them rode the lift together, she’d pulled out her phone and was doing something and then she squealed and giggled with delight. Crowley glared at her, Aziraphale cleared his throat.

“So, what are your plans here, Lilith?” He asked.

“Well, I was hoping to see the sights, and catch up with Craw- Crowley here,” She said.

That’s when Crowley snapped.

“You came here unannounced, and you expect me to squire you around London?! Oh no, we are not doing this… Look, I know I owe you a favor, but I am NOT your personal tour guide, sister!” He shouted.

Aziraphale watched Lilith’s smile falter and her eyes move downwards, just for a moment. Then her smile got wider, toothier her eyes shown brighter. “Really? I seem to recall a number of things you owe me, CR-OWley…LA in 1980s, London 1887, France 1793, uhhhhh Pompeii, Jerusalem, Ur and you’re forgetting I AM QUEEN OF HELL!”

Crowley sighed. “Yes, your majesty.”

The lift stopped, it dinged. They shuffled off it and looked around, this was penthouse suite.

Crowley was still scowling, head down, arms crossed over his chest. He had her luggage by his side.

“Stop it!” Lilith pouted. “Look, I’m sorry I pulled rank on ya, but I thought ....”

“…we aren’t friends,” Crowley said darkly.

“Well, nice meeting you,” Azirpahale said with forced cheeriness.

“I’ll see you two gents at dinner be here at oooh six o’clock, I found this delish looking asian fusion place on yelp! We’re going.” She said.

“Hey, I’m not—“ Crowley began.

Lilith seemed to herd them towards the lift. “Who’s queen?”

“Erm, right six,” Crowley said.

“Me too?” Asked Aziraphale.

“Oh yeess, who knows what we’d get up to, with out you!” She said with a smile and wink.

The lift shut, they went down.

“So you it wasn’t just that once?” Aziraphale asked.

“No,” Crowley sighed. “I was Hollywood in the 1980s, she was there too, she comes back to earth like twice every century….she was stuck in the movie industry, she showed me a ropes and we helped make a LOT of AWFUL movies with greedy humans together and did a lot blow.”

“1887?” Aziraphale asked.

“Opium bender.” Crowley sighed. “Got an erotic couples portrait painted by John Collier…ugh.”*

“Oh,” Aziraphale said. “France?”

“How do you think I got there so quick, or how I earned the commendation? She recommended me, she was visiting her friend, the Marquis De Sade and I was tagging along… “ Crowley sighed.

“Pompeii?”

“She….” He sighed. “Warned me about the volcano…”

“Ah, Jerusalem?”

Crowley glared at the floor. “I agreed never to discuss what happened there, ever.”

“Ur?” Asked Aziraphale.

Crowley sucked in his breath. “First time we met, she did me a real big favor.”

“So you’ve known her nearly as long as you’ve known me, “Azirpahale said. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Crowley sighed: “She’s bad news, and you know her reputation. I didn’t want you think I was ever ever mixed up with her. She’s just awful.”

“Well, I’m here now, and we can handle her together,” Aziraphale said and took Crowley’s hand.

“Thank you Angel,” Crowley said and kissed him softly.

 

~~~~~~~~Ur 4300 B.C~~~~~~~~

The sigil they drew was crude but grabbed Crowley and held him almost motionless and it hurt. The room was lit by oil lamp and in the door way a cloth covering the entrance and the men in the hooded robes where very early occultist of the satanic bent (not that people of Sumeria called evil satanic).

“O Demon we have summoned you and bound you,” Said hooded figure. “You will reveal hidden knowledge and secrets to us, you will bestow riches on us.”

“How about you erase the circle, I’m in, then I’ll tell you everything you want,” Crowley said this would be easy low grade thugs like them. They even had a dead rooster.

A second hooded figure stepped forward eagerly the first took him by the wrist. “No, it’s a trap, do not listen to him.”

The third hooded figure: “You are Wiley O, Demon but we will not fall for your tricks, you will give us this knowledge or…you will suffer.”

“Suffer, really what can you do to me?” Crowley was bluffing it felt though he was tied up so tight he could hardly move and he was getting cramps all over.

The third figure added a squiggle to the circle, and an explosion of PAIN rippled through Crowley. The thing is, even if wanted to tell them secrets and reveal treasure or whatever, Hell would NOT approve and they’d find away of hurting him ten times the amount.

“Tell us, we have the holist water from the scared well,” Said first figure holding up a terra cotta jug. “We shall destroy you.”

Crowley considered his options, this was a doozy. Then through the drape on the door a woman entered, her eyes dark with kohl, her hair dark and curly.

“What’s going on here?” She asked boldly.

“Begone whore! We have no need of you yet,” Said the second robed figure.

“Whore?” The woman laughed and seemed to get bigger, the shadows she cast danced and grew. “I am not a whore. I am THE WHORE.”

She grew larger in scale, her eyes went red, curving goat horns sprang from her brow, her feet became talons and huge bat-like wings unfurled from her back.

“DO NOT THREATEN WITH MY FRIEND, OR I WILL MAKE YOU ENDURE SUSCH TORMENTS!” She bellowed.

The hooded figures screamed and fled.

She looked around rolled her shoulders, and suddenly was back in her human form. She walked over, to circle and smiled at him.

“Friend?” Crowley asked. “I’ve never seen you in my life.”

“Yes but we minions of hell need to stick together.” She said.

“We do?” He asked. “Who are you?”

She took her now human foot and scuffed out the circle. Crowley stretched, he was grateful but…

“I’m Lilith” She said still smiling.

“Ah, Lilith, “ Crowley backed away he’d heard of her and didn’t need her kind of trouble in his life.

“What, don’t be like that, I don’t bite,” Her voice was hoarse and soft. “How long did they have you?”

“Ugh… a week.” Crowley shuddered.

“Hmmm you need a drink, I know a place where the date wine is cheap and strong.” She said.

“IS it good?” He asked furrowing his brow.

She took his hand. “No but it’s cheap and strong.”

He smiled. “Two out of three is alright I guess.”

They walked off together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.art.com/products/p22114717168-sa-i7655874/john-collier-lilith-1887-detail.htm


	3. Chapter 3

Aziraphale and Crowley waited in the lobby of the hotel at six. She wasn’t there, yet. Crowley was glaring at the ground so hard, Aziraphale swore he saw smoke. It was five minutes of six.

“My dear, please try and calm down, there has to be something positive about this,” Aziraphale suggested. 

“What is positive about this?” Crowley barked.

That’s when Lilith stepped off the elevator, She wore a gauzy black and beige ombré off the shoulder dress, long sleeve, with a hem that was high in front but trailing on the ground on the sides. Her hair was up and she wore black open toed heels red painted toe nails poked out. She had a gold clutch at her throat and ears diamonds dripped from gold chains and of course she wore gold bracelets. Perhaps now she didn’t look as cheap, maybe like a high class escort as opposed to a mere streetwalker. 

Crowley was still glaring at her. “You’re late, you know.”

“I had to put on my face,” She said with a toothy grin. “Boo hoo, it’s not like we’re gonna lose the reservation.”

Aziraphale put his book away. “Lilith that dress is amazing.”

“Oh you like?! It’s Alexander McQueen, and these heels louboutin. I do LOVE me some bloody red heels.” She squealed and her face lit up.

“Angel, don’t encourage her,” Crowley sighed.

“Encourage what?” She tittered. “You know I’m, awful everyone says.”

“Yes,” Crowley sighed. “Let’s go.”

“I’m not offended, yer not offering me yer arm, after all yer taken,” She sassed.

Lilith strutted through lobby door, Crowley grumbled and stalked out the door, Aziraphale followed still confused.

 

As they walked the blocks, to the restaurant, Aziraphale noticed how heads turned when Lilith passed by men and women stared. Some man called out: “NICE TITS! HOW MUCH SWEETHEART!?”

Lilith turned looked at him, coldly and the man’s hair promptly caught fire. She turned back, smiled and they walked on. Aziraphale, noted that Crowley cracked a smile when he saw this and his shoulders lowered, un-tensing. 

“I still got it,” Lilith said looking at Crowley.

“I guess,” Crowley said with a shake of his head.

“C’mon, you liked that,” Lilith said.

“Maybe,” Crowley shrugged. “You are still awful though.” 

Aziraphale quickly miracle’d a brief and highly localized rain shower and the man’s head was extinguished, yes, it was deserved but one couldn’t have ‘spontaneous’ human combustion on a busy street.

They made it to the restaurant, and got a table for three. As soon as they were seated a black clad Server came over, she didn’t even a word out, when Lilith smiled at her and said: “Excuse me, hon, can we see a wine list?”

“Yes of course,” said the Server not missing a beat. “By the way I’m Simo-“

“-Yes, yes that’s nice hon, wine list and three menus, please,” Lilith continued.

 

“Err, right here you go,” The Server said handing over the menus.

Aziraphale had found the sushi section and was deciding on what hosomaki and sashimi he would get.

Lilith spoke: “Alright we want a 750 milliliter of the Ruinart Rosé, Brut NV champagne.”

Crowley snorted and Aziraphale coughed.

“What?” Lilith asked in a challenging tone.

“Pink champagne?” Crowley. 

“Are you sure you want that?” Aziraphale asked.

“Yes.” Lilith said. 

The Server looked embarrassed and irritated.

“Oh alright jolly good,” Aziraphale added mildly.

They ordered wine and appetizers, the Server left. 

Lilith looked at them and rolled her eyes. “Oh, c’mon! I know both of you can change the wine in your glass to whatever you want to drink.”

“Ah yes,” Aziraphale recalled

Crowley glared at his plate. “Still doesn’t make it any better.”

“You two were up to yer necks in that oopsie- apocalypse, Lucifer called me back to hell because of it, “She groaned. “That wasn’t fun at all, but we all made it out the other side, and we can celebrate, with a bottle of six, right?”

Crowley shrugged.” If you want.”

“I do, and…” she lowered her voice, to the loudest whisper Aziraphale had ever heard. “Thanks, I didn’t want the whole thing to end either. Gabe Babe, of course is angry and confused. Oh boy, you should see his dumb face tryin’ to show both at once.”

She pulled an exaggerated gurn demonstrating of how Gabriel’s face looked the crumbled lips, crossed eyes and furrowed brow. It was actually funny, Aziraphale let out an amused snort and Crowley sniggered.

Aziraphale changed his wine to something he enjoyed and drank a bit. Crowley had chawed his into a Riesling.

“…Wait how do you know Gabriel?” Crowley asked.

“Oh, well like others, I’ve been with he was curious,” She said.

Aziraphale wrinkled his brow and finished off his glass. “Curious?”

“Oh honey, you’ve so much time on earth, it’s nothing you don’t KNOW about,” She tittered and placed a hand on his briefly “Anyhow it’s strictly business with him, he’s a prick. He wanted to find out about sex, booze and drugs, the world was going to end in eleven years and God had gotten much more forgiving then they used to be about that…”

She drank her glass and poured another.

“Sounds like him, chiding me about something he’s doing himself,” Aziraphale said.

“Well, I brought a spark of hellfire for insurance,” She said. “And met him in a suite in LA Had to show him how drugs and booze were used I think he’d been psyching himself up by watching some weird porn online.. Some of them IDEAS he had about what humans get up to with their genitals were so… kinky.”

Crowley drank a bit more and smiled, he remembered why he liked her. “…Such as?” 

“Oh, nooo,” She said. “It would spoil the meal. I don’t kiss and tell.”

“You do though,” Crowley added.

She finished her glass, and eyes twinkling said: “Are you two sure?”

Aziraphale finished his own wine said: “Yes do tell,:”

“Well we’re fucking, its’ obviously his first time doing that or having a penis, he breaks away and begs me to pee on him and call him names.” She said.

All three of them barely stopped from bursting out laughing.

“Really?” Aziraphale smirked.

“Not surprised though,” Lilith said pouring out three more glasses of wine. “No offense, but most angels get that way when they want to have sex, all into being humiliated and degraded for doing it. However not that quickly.”

“Soo… one third of heaven then?” Crowley smirked.

“More like one fourth,” She shrugged.

“Care to say more…?” Aziraphale added relishing this.

 

“Can’t literally can’t most of them use some kind of magic to keep me quiet,” She said.

The appetizers arrived: Sunomono, Dumplings and short ribs

“Ah, excellent,” Aziraphale took out his chopsticks. “We’re going to share right?”

Lilith had pulled her short ribs close and wrapped her arm around the plate. “No.”  
She hunched over and began ripping the meat off the bone.

The helpless Server looked at the trio: “Errmm, when do you want to order your mains?”

Lilith glared up from her plate finished a ribbon of meat she’d been chewing and said: “When we’re done, move along.”

The server smiled helplessly. “…alright, I’ll be back.”

Crowley snickered and smiled: “You haven’t changed.”

Lilith smiled, growled and went back to demolishing her short ribs. They all had two more glass more of wine as they ate. Crowley and Aziraphale did share or rather Aziraphale liked to share his with Crowley and Crowley never objected to Aziraphale, taking a dumpling.  
After Lilith had gnawed every scrap of meat off the bones and licked her fingers, the bus boy took their plates and the waitress came back. They ordered the main course, she got a large sharing plate of shrimp stuffed duck, of course everyone knew she WOULD not share. They gossiped and finished off the bottle over dinner.

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: Lilith is the OG Wine MILF. She’s supposed to be trashy, tawrdy, tacky, slutty obnoxious, crude, with no boundaries or filter. She’s basically how the world sees ‘Muricans plus every Porn and Reality Star combined. Also we don’t see her POV and well this is CHAPTER ONE, so we don’t KNOW shit about what she’s really like. So hold off on the comments about poor characterization sexism etc.
> 
>  
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
> Need comments, will be very sad and feel like failure if I don't get them. I really love comments they keep warm when my soul is cold and weary. SO please make like book report and comment!


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